Exploring Desire Discrepancy
We live in a world where we can openly talk about food, fashion, and even politics, but there's one topic that we still seem to tip-toe around. You’ve probably guessed it - sex!
While we’ve bravely tackled (and continue to tackle) various sexual health issues - consent, contraceptives, identity, reproductive health - there are other areas under the umbrella of sexual health that often get swept under the rug. This post is an honest, unfiltered conversation about desire discrepancy, a phenomenon creeping into the bedrooms of many couples and intimate partners.
Desire discrepancy is a difference in sexual desire or interest between partners in a romantic or sexual relationship. It occurs when one partner has a higher or lower level of sexual desire than the other partner.
There are so many partners struggling with desire discrepancy. Some researchers suggest that up to 30% of couples experience significant differences in sexual desire. It's no wonder that the most common emails I receive from future clients begin with, "My partner and I are having sexual issues. We just can't seem to be on the same page anymore” or “My partner is no longer as interested in sex as they once were” or “I am no longer as interested in sex as I used to be.” All of these emails point to one common issue I address: desire discrepancy.
It’s important to point out that desire discrepancy isn’t inherently a “bad thing.” In fact, it’s common and natural. There is no way that both partners can have the exact same level of desire for one another all the time and over an extended period of time. It’s not sustainable and we don’t live in a vacuum. We are dynamic people, whose needs, bodies, lives, and experiences are constantly changing. So if you’re finding that things have changed with you, too, don’t fret. My hope is to give you some information that may be helpful in navigating your unique situation.
The High-Low Dynamic
Desire discrepancy can typically manifest in two different ways. The higher desire partner may have a greater interest or longing for sexual activity compared to their partner. They may desire more frequent sexual experiences or have a higher level of overall sexual interest. The lower desire partner may have a lower level of sexual interest or desire compared to their partner. They may feel less motivated or interested in sexual activity and may prefer less frequent encounters.
Desire discrepancy can create emotional and relational tension if not addressed openly, constructively, and with compassion. The partner with higher sexual desire my feel frustrated, rejected, or undesired, while the partner with lower sexual desire may experience pressure, guilt, or anxiety. It is important for couples to communicate empathetically and non-judgmentally about their desires, needs, and concerns. Most importantly, these conversations are not a one-and-done type thing - they are ongoing and should happen as frequently as needed for the health and wellness of the couple and each partner, individually.
The Big 3
When I begin working with my clients on desire discrepancy concerns, I start with sharing some information about what influences our sexual desire. I want to normalize their experience, while educating them (and their partners) about the complex and dynamic nature of desire. Sexual desire is influenced by:
Biological factors: This includes hormonal fluctuations, changes, and/or deficiencies (particularly related to testosterone), neurotransmitters (chemicals in the brain such as dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine) which can impact sexual desire and arousal, health and medical issues, medication usage, changes with age, and genetics.
Psychological factors: This includes mental health issues, relationship satisfaction, communication with partner, emotional intimacy, body image, self-esteem, stress, past experiences and trauma, cultural values, religious beliefs and values, sexual self-awareness and exploration, personal values about sexual health.
Social factors: This includes cultural and social norms (and changes in norms), upbringing (including messages about sex, body, and relationships that were taught), education (or lack thereof), media, popular culture, relationship dynamics, power imbalances in relationships, lifestyle factors, social and community support, relationship and sexual satisfaction of peers.
I won’t go into the Big 3 in detail here (let’s save this for another blog!) however, in a relationship, it is common for individuals to have different levels of sexual desire because of these three factors. These differences can lead to challenges and conflicts within the relationship if not addressed and managed effectively. If you have a hunch that there may be a particular factor from above that may be influencing your desire, be sure to bring this up with your medical doctor, therapist, or begin your research there!
Changes in Desire
Contrary to the messages we often receive about desire and relationships, sexual desire changes over the course of the relationship. it is influenced by several factors including the stage of the relationship, the individual experiences of each partner, current or changing life circumstances, and relationship dynamics. Here are a few ways desire can change:
Initial passion: This part is often referred to as the honeymoon phase. In the early stages of a relationship, desire is often high due to the novelty and excitement of a new partner. Some individuals report an intense desire and passion during this time.
Familiarity and routine: As a relationship progresses and partners become more familiar and comfortable with each other, the intensity of desire can naturally decrease. During this phase, individuals may start to focus on other aspects of life, drawing attention away from the intensity or passion.
Relationship dynamics and satisfaction: The quality of the relationship can influence desire. Factors such as communication, emotional intimacy, trust, and overall relationship satisfaction can influence sexual desire. Relationship conflicts, unresolved or on-going issues, or emotional distance can contribute to decreased desire.
Individual contributors: Desire can be influenced by individual experiences, each person’s physical and mental health, stress levels, self-esteem, body image, and personal well-being.
Life events and transitions: Major life events, such as having kids, changes in work or career, health issues, or aging, can have an impact on sexual desire. These events can bring about changes in priorities, energy levels, added stress, or physical and emotional well-being. It's important to recognize that changes in desire are a normal part of a long-term relationship. It doesn't necessarily indicate a problem or a lack of attraction. Open communication and a willingness to adapt and explore new ways of maintaining intimacy and desire are key to navigating these changes.
It's important to recognize that changes in desire are a normal part of a long-term relationship and does not necessarily indicate a problem, lack of attraction, or that one partner is no longer interested in the other. Communicating openly about changes and concerns, and a willingness to explore new ways of maintaining intimacy are essential to navigating sexual desire issues.
If there is a desire discrepancy, partners can work together to understand each other's needs, explore new activities or experiences that enhance desire, and prioritize intimate connection (which is not only limited to sex). And of course, as a licensed therapist and advocate for healthy relationships, I believe seeking professional help from a therapist or sex therapist can also provide guidance and support in addressing changes in desire.
So, what do we do?
Managing desire discrepancy requires awareness about what is going on for each person, mutual understanding, and finding a balance that works for both partners. Some strategies that can be helpful in addressing desire discrepancy include:
Communication: I know this one sounds like a no-brainer, but even couples who are very in sync may find it hard to have vulnerable conversations about their desires (and changes in desires). However, open and honest communication is crucial and it is especially important that these conversations are on-going (not a one time thing). Both partners should feel comfortable discussing their desires, concerns, and expectations regarding sexual intimacy. If this is not the case, it is an excellent opportunity to refine or develop new communication skills for having hard conversations.
Compromise and negotiation: Let me be clear here: compromise and negotiation as it relates to desire discrepancy does not mean one partner “sucks it up” for the sake of the other partner or relationship. For some couples, it may involve finding a middle ground where both partners feel satisfied and valued. This might involve negotiating the frequency, type, or timing of sexual experiences that accommodates both partners' needs. For others, compromise and negotiation are often rooted in an important shift in understanding what sex means for each person and the couple. Instead of focusing on the goal of penetration or orgasm, couples should focus on connecting and having fun.
Enhancing intimacy: There is a misunderstanding floating around about intimacy and it is this: intimacy is exclusively related to sex. This is false. For couples experiencing desire discrepancy, exploring different ways to foster emotional and physical intimacy outside of sexual activity can help partners feel connected and satisfied. This can range from intimate conversations or meals, sensual massages, and special experiences.
Seeking professional help: If desire discrepancy persists and causes significant distress within the relationship, couples may consider seeking the professional expertise of a licensed therapist or sex therapist who can provide guidance and support in addressing these issues. Not all licensed therapists are well-versed in sexual health issues, so be sure to connect with a therapist who would be a good fit for your particular issue. If you’re not sure, ask them!
As a final note, desire discrepancy concerns can be incredibly overwhelming, painful, and confusing. As a therapist, I recognize how much hidden distress it can bring into one partner's (or both partner's) life. It is a common challenge that many couples face and so important to approach with empathy, understanding, and a willingness to explore solutions together. Embrace the journey of discovery, celebrate small victories, and be patient with each other. With this, my hope is for partners to create a fulfilling and mutually satisfying intimate connection that honors their individual desires and their shared bond.
