New Year’s Resolutions from a Therapist
It’s that time of year again! Between busy schedules, being out of school, endless social commitments, and of course, the holidays, we scramble to find a few minutes to put together some (sort-of) thought out goals for the new year.
This time, let’s do something different.
I decided to start early this year (and by early, I mean like only a month ago) to get a head start on goals that are meaningful. Goals that I’ve actually spent time processing, thinking about, changing, building, and most importantly, dreaming about. My guess is that we as humans like the idea of using the New Year as a fresh start - an opportunity to do things differently. Some common goals I hear are very specific and behavioral: “I want to go to the gym daily” or “I want to read one book a month.” Other times, I hear of vague “vibe-y” goals: “I want this year to be about me” or “I want to focus on myself.” In the spirit of mental wellness along with my own human desire to do things differently in the New Year, I came up with a list of goals that are pro-mental health and pro-you.
Work Hard, Rest Rest, Work Hard
We live in a society that really values hustle culture (a societal mindset about work ethic that values staying busy, and working hard, even if it’s at the expense of your personal needs or relationships). There is always this vague and looming idea that once something great has been achieved, then one can finally rest. Even if you don’t fully buy into hustle culture, our society typically operates on the “work, then rest” mindset. For example, we generally start our days early, work, work, work, and then come home and rest. Or we work Monday through Friday, with the expectation that the weekends are for resting. But what would happen if we flipped the script? Rest, then, work hard. What version of you would show up to the office, or your relationships, or your passion projects if you were genuinely well rested? As a therapist, I HAVE to rest first to be able to work hard - it’s an ethical mandate. My being well impacts the way I show up for others: how present I am, how engaged I am, how well I am able to connect. This mindset has been a game-changer for me. It has elevated the way I tackle nearly every part of my life. Think about what this goal would look like for you. What would it take for you to nourish your mind and body first, before pouring your time and energy into all your commitments?
Welcome Self-Exploration, Be Curious
Between “I want to work on this specific goal” and “I want to find myself” is the well-balanced goal of welcoming self-exploration. I love this goal because it gives us the opportunity to learn more about ourselves before committing to a specific goal. Sometimes we set specific goals that aren’t achievable, realistic, or that we just aren’t consistent with. You know why we “fail” at these goals? Because oftentimes, we don’t (or can’t) anticipate personal or logistical barriers. For example, maybe you want to read one book a month but when you decided on this goal, you totally forgot that you’ll be wedding planning all April and May leaving virtually no time for leisure reading. Or maybe you decided to go to the gym at least three times a week but you didn’t anticipate that your new job would have you working late during the busy seasons. But what would happen if we pumped the breaks on specific goals and spent time time learning more about ourselves. Who are you today? How is this version of you different than the version from last month? Last year? Five years ago? What are your values now? How have they evolved? Which relationships are meaningful to you? Which ones are no longer as meaningful? When you spend time learning about and understanding yourself, you can create goals that are more aligned with your needs and strengths. What kinds of things can you do to self-explore? How can you be more curious?
Needs Assessment
When we feel distress in our life, it’s often because one (or more) of our needs are not being met. In fact, in every instance of distress (sadness, anger, stress, anxiety, etc.), ask yourself, “what need of mine is not being met right now?” This will help you explore parts of yourself that you didn’t realize were important or even existed. For example, maybe you feel sad that nothing special happened on your birthday this year. Ask yourself, “what need of mine isn’t being met or wasn’t met?” Was it the need for belonging? Love? Connection with others? Maybe even the need of feeling special and seen. Our reactions always point to a need that is sufficiently being met, inconsistently being met, or not being met at all. When you learn more about what your needs are, you can do a better job of finding ways to meet those needs. If you have a need for love and belonging, you may seek out certain relationships and connections where you are seen, heard, and loved. If you don’t recognize that this is a need you have, you might end up connecting with the wrong people, or not connecting with others at all. A goal for this year could be to explore what your needs are. Which needs are primary and non-negotiable? Which needs are secondary?
Reflective Communication
This is probably the most specific goal on this list but it’s golden! When I was in graduate school learning basic counseling skills, I had an instructor (who became an incredible mentor to me) who said, “if you want to completely change your relationships, try reflecting back what you hear to the people you speak with. Just try it out for one week and see what happens.” So naturally, I tried it out and WHOA! Reflecting is a skill counselors use that has two primary functions: 1) it shows the client that the counselor is listening and understands what is being said, and 2) it gives the client an opportunity to review what they’ve said to deepen their own processing.
For example, person A says:
“I have to finish washing all the dishes, then do the laundry, then pack everyones lunch, then make sure everyones clothes are ready for the next day, then make sure everyone brushes their teeth, and gets to bed on time, and that the chores are all done and everything is ready to for the next day and by the time I finally sit down and catch my breath it’s midnight and another day has passed that I haven’t finished those reports for work.”
Person B may reflect back:
“My gosh! You have a million things you are juggling at home from taking care of the family, to getting the chores done, to getting everything ready for the next day. When things finally settle down, it’s too late to get your own stuff completed.”
Imagine how validated and supported person A might feel knowing that person B really listened and understood their struggle! Sometimes, it’s not the solutions we need - it’s someone who will actively listen. Identify a relationship or two that you want to be more deeply engaged in - a relationship you want to be more present for and “just try it out for one week and see what happens.”
Mindset Matters… So change it!
The last goal to consider for for 2024 is actively changing your mindset. Again, typical goal that sounds like it should clearly work, but here is why: there is a strong relationship between your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. For example, if you’re on your way to work and someone rear-ends your car, your thought might be, “great, I am going to have a terrible day.” This thought will directly influence your feelings, and then how you act (behave) throughout the day. Instead, try to change the thought to something more productive or healthy and watch how it influences both your feelings and actions.
Negative mindset:
“I am going to have a terrible day” (thought) —> annoyed (feeling) —> slow to complete tasks (behavior/action)
Positive mindset:
“I am grateful that I am safe” (thought) —> appreciative (feeling) —> completing tasks as usual (behavior/action)
There is a reason why athletes and artists have rituals to get into the right mindset or headspace before they perform their craft. Mindset matters. How can you change yours to improve the quality of your life?
As a final note, I wish each of you a wonderful New Year. Maybe it is the year of growth and healing. Maybe it is a year or reconfiguring. Maybe it is a year of gaining a sense of stability. Whatever purpose the year may serve, I hope it is pro-you!
